Crafting New Patterns of Thinking

This is blog #3 in a series about Your Inner Power. You can read blog #1, Your Power, here, and blog #2, Free Yourself From Your Thoughts, here.

After we’ve questioned a thought we’ve witnessed within our own mind and decided we longer want that thought to be true for us (see my previous blog post Free Yourself From Your Thoughts), we have the power to CHANGE our thoughts. 

This is where the real work begins. 

Not only our minds, but our bodies and emotional states have been operating at the old way of thinking. Literally our thoughts have been creating physiological reactions in our bodies and energetic states. So we get to rewire our brains to think a new thought, which will then lead to our bodies and emotions following. 

However. And here is where the real grit and self-commitment come in. If we choose a new thought we want to think instead of the old one, our brains will literally tell us that it is not true. Our brain is biologically wired to think and believe the old way of thinking!

Okay, so how do we move past this, then?

How do we literally create a new brain?! 

1) Baby steps

2) Be incredibly loving and gentle with yourself

3) Be willing to believe that something even better could be true for you

I want to share an incredibly vivid example of rearranging inner thoughts that will illustrate the above 3 principles, and then I’ll break each of them down further.

This experience pushed me almost to the edge of everything I could handle.

It taught me, more than any one standalone experience ever has, my inner strength. Resilience. Determination. Stubbornness. Grit. Ferocity.

I had been studying Outdoor Education & Leadership for several years at CSUN and guiding outdoor trips with the college’s Outdoor Adventures program. I was learning, I was growing, I was stepping into my path & the woman I was always born to be.

And, f*ck. I was so thick in the midst of PTSD, trauma, anxiety & depression as I daily worked through my childhood trauma toward freedom & healing (read about my full journey here). It was suffocating. It consumed much of my headspace, energy, and life. Pretty much everything I did, I did to help me feel better - I had to feel better in order to survive, the pain & inner torment was so great.

And one immense, immense thing that helped? Following my soul’s inner call, step-by-step along my path. And becoming a powerful outdoor leader is and always will be, central to my purpose in this life.

I was presented the opportunity by my boss to move to the next level of outdoor leadership by undergoing training as a Wilderness First Responder. This was the highest level of wilderness medicine our program - and most outdoor programs - required in trip leaders. It consisted of pre-studying, plus a grueling 8 full days of training course, and reading & workbook each night of the course. The course included hours of instruction daily and hours of hands-on, practical application & practice of the wilderness medicine techniques we were learning.

For the majority of people, the training is exhausting, intensive, overwhelming, and often triggering. We simulated real-life health crises from mild to life-threatening, and had to apply our new skills of wilderness medicine in a rustic, outdoor environment. Grueling for almost everyone.

I knew this training was huge in my growth and confidence and capabilities as an outdoor leader. I knew it was immensely valuable for my career path. AND, I knew that based on my experience the year prior with my 2-day Wilderness First Aid course, that I was terrified of it.

Not just on a rational level.

Yes, I was afraid of the workload, especially since we joined the class pretty last minute.

Yes, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get the skills down & pass the course.

And of course I was afraid of the career implications if I didn’t pass the course the first time (I’d have to wait & repeat it another time, and delay my leadership growth opportunities in the meantime.)

But my main fears were acutely irrational.

So much of the trauma I lived through from being diagnosed with childhood cancer at age 7 & experiencing 2.5 years of chemotherapy treatment still lived very much alive in my body, my brain, and my emotional wiring. As I explain in my journey here, I hadn’t been taught how to cope with it during the treatment experience… As a result, I unknowingly repressed it, so much of it.

I knew very well at that point in time that what triggered the overbearing panic, fear, and trauma the most? 

Any medical or less-than-ideal health-related incident. Doctor’s appointments, dentist cleanings, even small sicknesses. And especially in simulated health disasters/emergencies such as in a wilderness medicine course.

Well, sh*t. 

I knew this.

I knew this going into it.

I knew it would terrify me to a level beyond rational thought.

I knew it would push me to some really intense inner limits. 

I knew a big part of me didn’t want to do this, because I knew how scary it would be.

What I knew even more?

I knew I was meant to do this..

I knew I was being called to rise up to the next level of my embodied self.

I knew that the trauma & panic were temporary. I knew they were impermanent. I was healing. At a snail’s pace, it sometimes seemed, but improving nevertheless!

I KNEW THAT THE PANIC AND TERROR THIS EXPERIENCE WOULD ACTIVATE WITHIN ME WERE NOT WHO I TRULY WAS. NOT WHO I WAS SUBJECT TO BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I KNEW I WAS BORN TO BE A POWERFUL, TRANSFORMATIVE OUTDOOR LEADER. I KNEW THIS. IN MY VERY CORE I KNEW THIS! AND SO, SOMEHOW, I ALSO KNEW THAT I WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH THIS GRUELING 8-DAY COURSE EXPERIENCE. I KNEW MY INNER PATH, MY SOUL’S PURPOSE BURNED A HELL OF A LOT BRIGHTER THAN CHILDHOOD F*CKING TRAUMA. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW I WOULD SURVIVE & PASS THE CERTIFICATION COURSE, BUT DEEP WITHIN ME I KNEW IT ALL THE F*CK ALONG.

Which truly didn’t make it any. Less. Daunting. 

Fast forward to the 8 8-hour days course…

Yes, it was anxiety-inducing.

Yes, it was triggering almost every single moment - actually, probably every single moment.

I was truthfully on the verge of a panic attack the entire course.

Including when I went back to the room I was staying at at the end of each day - studying and prepping for the next day - fighting panic attacks through dinner, through reading, through attempting to get enough sleep to have the fortitude I needed to survive the following day!

My savior?

*MY MEDITATION PRACTICE*

I had been practicing meditation for about four years by this point in time. Thank goodness.

Never had it been put to the test, or so vital to my survival as during this week!

I 100% credit its effectiveness that week to the fact that I had honed my meditation & mindfulness skills relentlessly for the past four years. I was not a novice. I was experienced at observing my internal experience - my thoughts, my emotions, my physical sensations.

Every single lunch break - because all I could get through was about 4 hours without having a panic attack…

Every lunch break I rushed to use the restroom, eat my lunch, and walk to my car, timing it out so that I would have 20 solid minutes to dedicate to my meditation.

IT WAS THE ONLY THING I KNEW THAT WOULD HELP ME FEEL BETTER.

The only thing I knew that would help me survive the day, the week.

And damn, did it save me that week!

The vivid memory I have…

_________________________________

I am sitting in the driver’s seat of my car.

Everyone else is all eating together outside the classroom.

I am somewhat embarrassedly hanging out in my car, hoping no one in the course sees me there.

Trembling. Shallow breathing. My mind threatening to take control.

On the verge of a panic attack.

Truthfully, been on the verge for several hours…

Fighting. Fighting. Fighting with everything I have to hang on.

To be present.

To breathe.

To stay calm! At least to the degree of functioning! 

Meditation.

Ah, meditation.

I can do this. Okay, I. Can. Do. This.

Meditation will help. Meditation must help.

…I start meditating…

In. Out.

In. Out.

In. Out.

Tracking my breaths…

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

My mind wants to go into panic.

My mind wants to dissolve, to let the fear & terror & all alarms blazing, pulsing in my veins & heart, screaming we are threatened. Emergency. Life threatening life or death situation here!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!

No…

Breath.

Breathe. In. Out. In-

We’re going to die.

We’re seriously going to die.

It is the end. There is no hope.

It is too much.

Too much for us.

We CANNOT DO THIS!

Stop-

Body.

Sensation.

Sunshine.

Breathe.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out….

Ahhh…

Deep breath.

Body relaxing. Minutely.

Breathing…

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out…….

My pulse is thrumming. My veins feel like fire pulsing them. My body is vibrating with panic. Fear. Terror.

My mind. Reeling. Terror. Panic. Panic. Terror…

Breath.

In. Out. In. Out…

Presence.

Present.

I am present.

In my body.

Here. NOW.

In my body.

We are safe.

My body is safe.

MY BODY IS SAFE.

IN THIS MOMENT WE ARE SAFE!

*my body does not feel safe*

In. Out. In. Out…..

Breath.

Moment.

Breath.

Moment.

Space. Gap.

Thoughts.

Emotions. Body.

I see you. I see them.

They are there.

They are there.

They are there,

And I. AM. HERE…

Not truth.

They are not necessarily true.

I am not dying.

I am not going to die.

I am alive.

I am safe, in this present ONE moment - I am SAFE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE?

I AM GOING TO DIE.

IN THE FUTURE.

IN THIS COURSE. 

WE. ARE. GOING. TO.

DIE!!!!!

Breathe…In. Out. In. Out.

The course.

This course.

Yes, it is triggering.

Yes, it is bringing up a hell of old wounds.

Yes.

I see it.

Yes.

We are safe.

The course is fake.

The scenarios are FAKE.

THEY ARE NOT REAL.

NO ONE IS HURT.

NO ONE IS REALLY HURT.

WHAT’S MORE - 

I AM NOT HURT…

I.

AM.

NOT.

HURT.

IAMNOTHURT

I AM NOT HURT.

I’M SAFE.

SAFE.

ALIVE.

SAFE.

HEALTHY.

ALIVE.

SAFEHEALTHYALIVE.

ALIVE!!!!

I AM SAFE.

I AM ALIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe.

In. Out.

In. Out.

In. Out.

Ahhhhhh…… 

Exhale.

*my body relaxes. Minutely more. She isn’t controlling all of my attention anymore…*

Breathe…In. Out…

I am present.

I am in my body.

I am safe.

I am home in me. Home in my body. I am safe in my body.

I am powerful.

I. AM. POWERFUL!

I control my thoughts.

I control my reactions.

I control my breathing.

I control my MIND!

I can do this.

I can do this.

I. CAN. DO THIS!

Breath.

In. Out. In. Out. In.

Out…..

Last breath.

Timer went off. 

Deep inhale.

Deeper exhale.

Okay. Steady. I am steady within myself. Steady within myself.

STRONG. I am strong.

I CAN DO THIS !!!!!!!

I exit my car.

Gather my things.

Square my shoulders.

Lift my chin.

Breathe.

I’M READY.

*at least for 4 hours!!*

________________________________

1) Baby Steps

If you noticed, my mind was in a really extreme reality in that memory.

Breathing was all I could do for a long while. In. Out… Focusing on my breath.

I was absolutely NOT ready to start thinking “positive thoughts” at the beginning of that meditation… 

I could breathe.

I could focus on physical sensation.

I could focus on my body breathing.

Eventually, as my breath calmed me & my nervous system down enough, 

I was able to stop myself mid-spiral thinking. I could notice the fearful tirade of thought & emotion, and consciously choose to Stop. Thinking. Those thoughts!

And to turn my brain and awareness back to breath. Back to body.

As I calmed even more, I was able to be the witness more.

I WAS ABLE TO SEE THAT THE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, AND PHYSICAL SENSATIONS WERE SEPARATE from who I was at my CORE.

As the gap increased. As my nervous system calmed even more,

I finally, THEN, was able to start a new trail of thinking.

Small at first, tentative, and disrupted often by the old traumatized identity…

But, as time went on, did you notice how the voice of optimism, hope strengthened, got stronger? And at the end, CERTAIN, almost?? At least belief in being able to remain steady for four hours?!

This, in a 20-minute meditation, is a potent & time-condensed example of the journey our minds take to rewire.

We start in one way of thinking, the thought we want to change.

We witness it. We feel the emotions present.

We breathe. We continue to witness it.

The thoughts persist. And persist. AND persist, even as we time & again shift our brains to focus on our breath. The present moment. ANYTHING to keep thinking that old way of thinking!!

Eventually, the gap & emotional tension decreases. Minutely. 

Eventually, enough to start - even tentatively - thinking in a new direction.

Tentative at first, then more sure, then stronger, then eventually - 

TRUTH.

CERTAINTY.

NO DOUBT.

OUR REALITY !

To drive this point home - last fall I took the Wilderness First Responder recertification course for the 3rd time (a 3-day recertification course is required every 3 years to maintain the WFR certification). Sure, I had a moment of mild anxiety the first night that I moved through & released. Other than that?

CONFIDENCE.

EXCITEMENT.

EAGERNESS.

JOY.

PLAY.

FUN!!!!

I HONESTLY ENJOYED THE ENTIRE 3-DAY TRAINING!

I LOVED IT!

I HAD SO. MUCH. FUN!!!!

I LEARNED SO MUCH.

I HAD AMAZING CONVERSATIONS WITH THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS.

I STRENGTHENED MY SKILLS.

I FELT HELLA CONFIDENT.

JOYOUS DELIGHT THE FULL WEEKEND LONG!!!!

Baby steps.

It had been 8 years since my initial Wilderness First Responder training that I described above.

I have done a HELL OF A LOT of healing, transforming, alchemizing, shifting, elevating, & transcending in eight full years.

This experience is proof.

NEVER.

UNDERESTIMATE.

BABY.

STEPS.

But please - oh, please - start.

TAKE THE BABY STEPS!!!!

Like I said in a previous blog - take the step, and the next, and the next -

EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.

Truly more than you can ever imagine possible for yourself & your life awaits you.

Keep walking. Baby steps!!!  <3

2) Be incredibly loving and gentle with yourself

Change takes time.

Change is confronting.

Change pushes you to your limits of what you believe possible for you.

Change can risk relationships with family & loved ones.

Change can be painful, sad, and feel not worth it at times.

Please love you.

Love you.

Love yourself like no one ever loved you.

Love yourself like no one has ever loved you before.

Where you may have been raised, told certain things were bad or wrong about you, be the one to tell you that those things are right about you - perfect about you - perfection.

BE THE ONE TO HOLD YOU.

TO HUG YOU.

TO LOVE AND ADORE AND BE IN AWE. OF. YOU.

Be gentle. Be loving. Be kind…

Be everything you would be to someone you love dearly who is experiencing what you are feeling…

Because I can almost guarantee you that if you are reading this, you are someone who would regard & address them with so much love. So much grace… so much compassion, tenderness, patience, gentleness & love….

Unconditional Love Is Everything.

Unconditional love is the one power that can transcend absolutely everything you are experiencing.

Unconditional love, toward you, for you, from you - unconditional love is what will enable & catapult you into exponential change, growth, and potential. 

I believe true unconditional love is the greatest power there is.

And I believe our power to change starts with us loving ourselves unconditionally.

<3

3) Be willing to believe that something even better could be true for you

This is everything.

Nothing exists without this!

Nothing is possible to be changed, elevated, shifted, if you don’t believe something better is possible.

Because if you don’t, then what is there to change?

I believe that the majority of the time, thoughts & realities that feel shitty, are not ultimate truth.

If a thought does NOT feel good, that is my sign to myself that I get to feel something better.

I genuinely believe that things get to get better and better and better.

I believe that the true nature of the universe is ever-expanding - ever-increasing into more love, more joy, more goodness & freedom & light in every way!

I believe this is our true nature.

As such, I believe in life, we are meant to be ever-expanding continually into more joy, light, freedom, bliss, love, and life!

Even with this belief, this deep knowledge within my soul, I absolutely confront limitations in my day-to-day ways of thinking…

Thoughts that something is impossible that I desire…

Thoughts that I don’t get to have better than I currently have…

Thoughts that lie. To. Me.

And guess what? 

When that happens, I celebrate!!!!

I cheer within, stoked to have recognized limitation operating - limitation that was subconscious and is now conscious.

Hooray!!!

NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

NOW I CAN EXERCISE MY POWER OF CHOICE.

NOW I CAN CHANGE IT.

NOW I GET TO CREATE A NEW REALITY FOR MYSELF!!!!!

Through thought.

Starting with thought.

Starting with:

1. Baby steps

2. Being incredibly loving and gentle with myself

3. Being willing to believe that something even better could be true for ME

As I shared under step 1, we HAVE THE POWER TO CO-CREATE ENTIRELY NEW REALITIES FOR OURSELVES. 

New internal experiences.

New identities.

New ways of being.

Entirely new lives.

Me, 8.5+ years ago at my first Wilderness First Responder training course, to now, =

ENTIRELY. NEW. REALITY.

NEW MIND.

NEW BODY.

NEW EMOTIONAL STATE OF BEING.

NEW ME.

This power lives within all of us.

My joy is helping others - especially women - discover, unleash, and freely live IN. THEIR. POWER.

I hope this post has helped you discover your power more. I hope you have guidance to exercise & enjoy the delicious benefits of activating your power starting in your own mind, to change YOU & YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE !!!!!!

Next week I’ll go further into how our thoughts really shape our reality. I’m excited!

Sending you love & delight as you shift your thought patterns & choose a way of thinking & being that you are delighted to experience!!!!

Much much love,

Jenna

P.S. I worked with a life coach for much of my process of unraveling old thought and emotional patterns and creating new ones. It starts often as deep and incredibly uncomfortable work. I recommend finding support through the process. If you’d like to explore how working with me as your life coach could support you as you move through this discovery journey, click here.